Dear Nurse Nessa is Nestcare's nurse advice column. Questions can be submitted HERE, and are answered by Registered Nurses with over 10 years experience in home care, home health, or related nursing fields.
Dear Nurse Nessa,
My mom is 76 and living with early-stage dementia, but she refuses to let anyone help her. I’ve suggested hiring home care assistance so she can stay safe and comfortable, but she gets upset every time I bring it up. How can I help her understand that this is for her own well-being without making her feel like she’s losing control?
Thank you, James
Dear James,
I absolutely understand the challenges of trying to get an aging parent to accept in-home care. Especially for mothers who have always handled “all the things”, it can feel absolutely crushing to admit that they need assistance. At Nestcare, we train our private duty nurses to help facilitate this conversation. In our experience, it helps to frame the assistance as task-specific, instead of general “home care assistance”. For example, let your mother know that you are hiring someone to help prepare some meals in advance for the week, or to do some light housekeeping and laundry instead of framing it that she is not safe to live entirely alone. You can also let her know that by delegating these tasks she will have additional time for more activities that she enjoys. Often, starting off with some smaller, more frequent shifts can allow your mother the time to build up a connection with her caregiver. This can lead to a more seamless transition if and when she needs additional care hours throughout the week. Dementia is a challenge to navigate, and if you need additional support our Dementia Nurse Navigators are there to help.
A great way that you can help your mother still feel in control is to involve her in the process. Ask her which tasks she would like to delegate, and remember to ask her “what are your least favorite things to care for in the home”? If you start at this point, it makes it easier for your mother to agree to letting go of tasks that she may find tedious or overwhelming. Look for a home care agency that will send the same caregiver each shift so that your mother may connect and bond with the caregiver leading to additional trust.
If your mother completely refuses care, we do have a video about what you can do if your parent is refusing all care. Sometimes you will have to take a “wait and see” approach until an event happens (illness, fall, hospital admission), to help your mother see that additional help is in her best interest. Check out our youtube series on Parenting your Parents HERE.
Good luck,
Nurse Nessa
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